My Shillelagh - Why I Hate Michigan Football

I can't stand the Michigan Wolverines.  I cannot stress enough how much I despise that football team.  I moved from the South Bend area to Michigan with my family when I was 3 years old.  I still remember the smell... the first time I sniffed the B.S. that fuels Michigan fans across this state.  I recognized it at the age of 3, and I smell it now at the age of 27.  Don't get me wrong, as a grown man I chose to settle in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I love this state.  It's just too bad that the majority of college football fans here choose to cheer for the Wolverines.

I will never get over the "Why aren't you a Michigan fan?  You live in the State of Michigan dummy!" argument that plagued the playground at Lincoln Elementary School.  I still hear that one from grown men today... and that's just stupid.  If you want to use the proximity argument, I live closer to ND's campus than U of M's, geography wiz.  I will never forgive my childhood friend Timmy for switching from an ND fan to the dark side because his Dad made him.  I will never forgive one of my high school football coaches (Michigan fan) for defaming the University of Notre Dame for allowing Tony Rice to play football (according to him, Rice was "dumber than a box of rocks").  That is blasphemy as far as I am concerned.  Bring up Michigan's current high-standard coach that produced such fine student-athletes as Pacman Jones, and you will get "oh, I'm sure ND cheats... they have to".  Good comeback Bevis.  It seems that all Michigan fans love to ignore the facts and base all arguments on irrational emotion driven by a 30 pack of icehouse.

Let me offer a story that all you married men will appreciate: 

I married the 2nd oldest of 8 children.  My in-laws produced 3 sweet girls that could care less about football, and 5 foaming-at-the-mouth Michigan fan boys.  Now, I have been able to handle the constant badgering (or should I say "wolverine-ing") at family get-togethers and holidays.  But what happened one sunny Sunday afternoon trumps all ridiculous claims and unwarranted remarks from any Michigan fan.

It was a Sunday morning and I was ironing my shirt and preparing to head off to church.  As I meticulously flattened a shirt that I probably wore the day before, my lovely wife chimed in with a question.  "Will you go shopping at Kohls with me after church?"  Now, in my morning stooper I thought nothing of it and gladly agreed to go.  Fast-forward to the church parking lot following the worship service.  Apparently I had stayed up a little too late the night before, and by this time I was feeling the effects of little sleep coupled with sitting for a few hours straight.  The entire trip home my mind focused on nothing more than the sweet Sunday afternoon nap that was inevitable at this point.  But as we pulled up the driveway my better half kindly reminded me that I "promised" that I would go shopping at Kohls.  (Here comes my mistake...)  Shopping, at Kohls... for girl stuff... the last thing I wanted to do.  I had neither the energy nor the patience that this kind of endeavor requires.  So, I acted as if I completely forgot, which I kinda did, and I mumbled "I forgot... can you go without me?  I need a naaa (SLAM)!" I shut the bedroom door and climbed under the covers.  Well, apparently this ticked my wife off, but she didn't let on to it.  The afternoon passed and I arose victorious form my nap, feeling like a million bucks.  My wife returned from her shopping splendor and we carried on as usual.  Until I asked about the shopping trip.  "What did you buy honey?  Show me."  That is when it appeared... the most disgusting thing I have ever seen, has ever entered my home, and has ever touched my wife.  A grey University of Michigan football sweatshirt, made especially for the spiteful wife of a Notre Dame fan... complete with sparkly glitter etching that hideous block M.  Never in my life have I been that disappointed, that hurt, and that pissed-off that I didn't go shopping.  "You did this because I didn't go, didn't you!" I shouted.  "I don't know what you are talking about" she said as she walked to her closet to stash it away.

Needless to say, she knew EXACTLY what to do to get her point across, and to this day she claims it was innocent, with no ill-intent.  But I know better...  Needless to say, when we were on campus for the Blue-Gold game this spring, we spent a good hour in the bookstore finding new, cute ways to introduce some Irish pride into my wife's wardrobe.  Now that's my kind of shopping.

I'm sure you get the point.  I hate Michigan Football.  That said, I do have a certain level respect for their program.  They don't get to be called the winningest program in college football history (for a few years) by being a complete bunch of morons.  You can shove that respect aside come this Saturday though.  I'll be grinning from ear to ear as my Fighting Irish trounce the overexcited Wolverines.

My Shillelagh - Why I Hate Michigan Football